blorg

2008-12-18T22:10:00.000-08:00

is it ok to just lay down and die now? i swear i am not as crazy as everyone else. *le sigh* i have had an awful week and it doesnt seem to get any better. i feel so utterly alone in the world its like wtf else could go wrong? i feel like im being pushed to the side by my bf he says im acting wierd well goddamnit i say hes acting wierd! ffs i mena come on now seriously *pinches bridge of nose* i freakign trying to do better. everthing i do seem to go to shit. even with the best of intentions. lol i cant win oh but i can definitely lose. sigh. i thoguth id have a better year. i got off of substance abuse(pills and weed), alcohol (was really last year) and i freakign quit smoking cigarettes. i got a new job im tryng to be responsible. i work full tiem an also over time. i havent missed a day but 2 and that was because i was bad sick :( and had a drs note. i have had trouble getting my visa to visit my bf in the UK it finally coem through and with the way the last week has been i dont even know if i want to go anymore.

i am torn. i do want ot go so very very bad and visit him and everythign can be ok for a week or two and we can make love and spend christmas together and have a great time with his family and just be normal and hang out with another. i miss him turrbl.

on the other hand he has been a major asshole to me lately. graned i am a bitch but ffs i dont hide it. most women are liek this right? were all bitches right? i mean seriously .sigh. he hurted me bad. he doesnt trust me >.< (now i know why i have a hard tiem trusting him is because he hasnt trusted me at all from the begining i get it now or im being wierd with my thoguths again) but he seriously hurted me he doesnt think i am responsible when i am tryign my hardest.

he wont move here says its impossible. he wants me to move there. i want to but my visa is fucked up. and i cant live htere unless we married really. but we have to be married an living together for 2 years before i can move over there with him or soem shit liek that thorughou the visas. BLORG i am misspelling. i am tired. i should listen to rowan more. i do listen to waht he says. it jsut diesnt register for a lil while till after the fact. i think i am going into my shell again. nice place in here out of the cold of the souls anyways.

i like this blog i can ramble about anythign and the best part. noones prolly ever gonna read it and even if they do theyll think im crazy unless they see me for waht i am (insanely in love and fearful/less) and prolly not care anyways. lol. i need to put up some poetry on here. looking a bit drab and what way to make this page more dreadful than it is by putting up some wretched heartbreakign poems or soem happy happy winkle poems lol wow i neeeeeeeed sleeeeeeeep omfg just few more days and i can see him and ge a decents nites sleep.

omfg i am so gonn start being alot more quiet. i really need to talk less. *sigh* i am so got tissues i totally go from one extreme to the other. ftw. BLORG

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